By Malik Daniyal
Four walls and a roof over your head can’t be the only way we define the word “home.” Home is more than four walls. The poet Robert Frost had said, “Home is the place that, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.”
Generally, “home” means a secure and cheerful place where we live with our family. It is a place where you are loved, respected, heard, and cared for. Apparently, it looks like a house covered with four walls and topped with a roof. A building may have a yard, but on the inside, it is much more than wood, bricks, and décor. Most importantly, it is the place where we start to grow up.
Home is the place where you feel in control and properly oriented in space and time. It is a predictable and secure place. In short, home is the primary connection between you and the rest of the world. But now the question arises: is it practical nowadays? Are people really blessed with their families? The answer for this question will be a big NO from the majority of the people with a few exceptions. With this, another question arises, “What are we doing to make the home a happier one?” I don’t think much effort is being directed towards an answer to this question.
I believe unless we address this budding issue of making a HAPPIER Home, we can’t eradicate other nuisances arising out in our society. The people who make up our society are brought up and fostered in their own homes first; let aside the part played by schooling and other externalities. The kind of atmosphere they are getting there and the things they observe are a reflection of what our futuristic society is going to be. Will it be the one based on love, honesty, integrity, sincerity, and compassion, or vice versa? This is the importance of a happier home as it lays the foundation of our society, and for creating a happier home, the major role is played by the marriage of the two persons, their mutual understanding, and how they cope with their differences of opinion.
The Psychological POV
The way we design and construct our house has a large impact on whether we will have a happier home or not. Most of the current housing designs ignore what psychologists and scientists believe and what science has proven to be best for our emotional comfort and happiness.
Dr. Toby Israel, a design psychologist and author of Some Place Like Home: Using Design Psychology to Create Ideal Places, believes that every person has a distinctive “environmental autobiography”—our historical place. Although often subconscious, our associations and sensations with physical places are reworked, replicated, or rejected throughout our lifetime, she says. Other psychologists believe that only having luxurious and big houses doesn’t mean that you are going to have a happy life, but what matters is that there must be a bond of mutual love and respect among the family members.
My personal opinion is that there should be a discussion on a daily basis in every family so that every member, including the children, can express their feelings. This will help foster a bond of love and affection. Moreover, in most cases, women are being overlooked while making important family decisions, and this kind of treatment is not worthwhile for the whole family.
Research has also been carried out on self-silencing, which is most common among women. Jack’s (1991) foundational work on the theory of self-silencing was mostly associated with clinically depressed women. Based on her experience with these women she conceptualized Self-Silencing as a relational strategy where women were to maintain intimate relationships, ‘silence certain feelings, thoughts and actions.
Women who scored high on their self-silencing scale tend to evaluate themselves based on the perceptions of others. Women’s Self-Silencing or act of inhibiting in a relationship can be because of three kinds of fear.
The fear of annihilation, where one’s security and that of the children are matters of concern, often leads women, especially those who are financially dependent, to choose silence as the best option over divorce or suicide.
Women who consider themselves detestable or meritless also prefer to keep quiet.
When women are timid or scared of expressing their feelings and emotions, they keep them inside as they feel the fear of rejection from others.
The act of self-silencing comes from the motivation of maintaining relationships and connections with others, since these are at the core of women’s self-concept.
Husband-wife relationship for a happier home
When you’re working to make your home a happier and better place, you must try to maintain a positive and tolerant atmosphere. For example, if your home is chaotic and leaves you feeling fidgety and anxious, it’ll be a difficult task to create a conducive environment where everyone will be in the right frame of mind for performing different activities.
For maintaining a good environment, a major role is played by the husband-wife because this is the relationship that largely defines the whole atmosphere of the home.
So what are the things that will strengthen the bond between the two? One is prioritizing the emotional bond, as most psychologists say that people are likely to succeed in their self-improvement goals if they surround themselves with things that will satisfy them emotionally and bring in a positive mental attitude. Contrary to their expectations, they should try to put away the things that bring them emotional dissatisfaction, like the ones that remind them of their past difficulties or tragedies.
In order to bring peace, love, and prosperity into married life, both the husband and wife should take care of each other’s sentiments. Both of them should be solicitous, empathetic, and understanding toward each other. They shouldn’t complain over little things. Life isn’t always a bed of roses, so rather than fighting over inconsequential things, both of them should hold each other’s hands and deal with the problems mutually.
Moreover, the husband has an obligation towards his wife to provide her with the proper love, care, and support that she requires. He should provide her with every succour she needs. He should think of the sacrifice that she gave of coming with him, leaving all her comfort. It is his duty to make her feel safe and to take care of her feelings and emotions so that she does not get a sense of insecurity. The marriage between the two isn’t a contract or a mere physical relationship; it’s about understanding each other, sharing feelings and thoughts, standing by each other, and giving hope at times when they need it most. The husband and the wife should be like the clothing of each other as clothes are the closest thing which protects us from heat and cold, in the similar way should be their relation to cover each other’s imperfections.
- The author can be reached at mdaniyal.054@gmail.com
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