Parentification: Healing the Emotional Scars of a Stolen Childhood

Parentification, as psychologists define it, is a psycho-social situation where parents or caregivers handover the duties and responsibilities of practical and emotional caretaking to a child that should have been handled by their parent(s) themselves. This can happen in different ways, but in every case, the child is given emotional or practical tasks that are too difficult for their age. Superficially, it might seem like the child is just being helpful or very mature for their age. However, deep down, it is a complex and often damaging experience that can have a life-long emotional and psychological impact.

Types of Parentification

Parentification can be divided into two main types: emotional and instrumental.

1. Instrumental Parentification: In this type, the child is given the responsibility of doing physical tasks around the house, such as cooking, cleaning, looking after younger siblings or managing the family finances. Although such tasks can be done by children in a household anytime, instrumental parentification means that the child does such tasks for most of the time with very less time left for their own self care and for various age appropriate playful activities..
2. Emotional Parentification:In this situation, the child is asked to fulfil the emotional needs of the parent or other family members. This could mean the child becomes a close friend, a person who helps resolve conflicts, or even a replacement partner for the parent. The child is given emotional tasks that are usually for adults, such as comforting the parent, listening to their issues, or controlling the mood at home.

How Parentification Becomes Emotional Abuse

Teaching a child various life skills such as cooking, cleaning, taking care of family finances, understanding what is wrong in a situation at emotional level etc. can be helpful to them for their skill building and overall maturity and growth, however, when the child is chronically burdened with too many responsibilities while ignoring their own needs, as happens in parentification, it becomes emotional abuse. Following are the various reasons for parentification to be seen as a form of emotional abuse:

1. Violation of Boundaries: Parentification violates the boundaries that are essential for a childs healthy development by blurring the lines between the roles of parent and child. When a child is forced to assume a role where they have to handle adult problems either emotionally or psychologically, for which they are not yet equipped, it can lead to confusion and stress.
2. Neglect of the Childs Needs: During parentification, parents or adults around such children get so obsessed with getting their own practical or emotional needs fulfilled that the parentified childs own developmental needs get ignored leaving the child emotionally neglected. This might cause the child to feel alone, sad, and not good enough, because they learn that their main purpose is to help others instead of being taken care of themselves.
3. Emotional Burden: It can be emotionally burdening for a child to be put in a position where they feel responsible for the well-being of their parent or family. This consistent emotional burden can lead to chronic stress and anxiety. The stress of trying to keep the family feeling good can be very hard, especially when the child doesn’t have the skills to handle this kind of job.
4. Impact on Identity and Self-Esteem: Children who are given adult responsibilities often have trouble figuring out who they are. They might feel too much pressure to take care of others, which can make it hard for them to have good relationships. They might also feel bad about themselves because they think they are only important if they can help others, instead of believing they are valuable just for being themselves.
5. Long-Term Psychological Effects: Parentification can continue to affect people even when they are grown up. People who were parentified might have problems with feeling anxious or sad, and they might find it hard to set limits in their relationships. They could also have trouble trusting others or asking for help because they have learned to focus on other people’s needs more than their own.

Recognizing and Addressing Parentification

Identifying parentification as a type of emotional abuse is the first step towards addressing it. It’s essential for us as members of the society and mental health professionals to identify these patterns early to avoid lasting damage. Solutions might involve counselling/Psychotherapy to assist the person who was parentified in understanding their past, setting limits, and rediscovering their own desires and sense of self.

During counselling, the person can explore how their childhood has influenced their actions and self-image. Psychological tools such as working on one’s inner child, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), Psychodynamic psychotherapy etc. and learning to set boundaries can be useful. Moreover, informing parents and guardians about the risks of parentification is important to stop this kind of emotional abuse from affecting future generations.

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