By Hirra Sultan
We often read in holy scriptures or hear in lectures that your children are a trial for you. Nobody ever explains this and probably none of us think of it beyond a certain point. Probably, because we were never taught to ponder over the holy book and instructed just to keep reading it without comprehension. That there is no good deed written for you when you read tafseer instead of the text. Why it is said so? Is it because they are going to be defiant? Headstrong teenagers who will not listen to their parents anymore? Prefer friends over family? Bring you shame by asking difficult questions? Holding stronger opinions than our society can digest? Act out?
The first question a newly-wed couple is asked post-wedding is when are they planning to have kids, not the next vacation. Having kids is sold in our society as the ultimate fulfiller. The ultimate goal of a woman’s life. Like life is empty without having one and the sole purpose of getting married is having children.
So many women hear “Ami warai tchenei shoobie”, without once thinking that this is beyond a couple’s control and is only by the divine decree. Now there are multiple things wrong with this.
First, a couple should be given enough time to understand each other before they decide to bring another life into the world. Do we not hear it enough that having children tests a marriage like nothing else? So why are we adamant on sitting the test without proper preparation?
Give the couple some time and some years before they venture onto the next adventure. Maybe they discover they do not like each other much and decide to part ways without having to think of compromise due to having kids. Maybe they have a bucket list and want to tick off a couple of them before getting bound down with kids, their schedules and requirements. What if a sensible couple decides to perform Hajj first before having kids and the lady losing most of her strength during pregnancy and the rest in childcare?
Secondly, the couple is never told the reality about having kids. Having kids is talked about as if it is the ultimate achievement of life. Like some elixir without which life is empty and with which everything magically falls into place and life suddenly has meaning. Why?
Why cannot a couple feel satisfied with their work. Setting up a venture together? Working to make lives in society better? Travelling together or by getting a pet? Why the obsession with kids? Why cannot each other’s company be enough for them? For the ones who quote religious reasons, Quran mentions marriage in terms of finding peace, not for the purpose of procreation. Allah has made marriage a means of permissible company and enjoyment so that the couple can roam around, go to dinner dates and trips together. But that’s what today’s relationships are for, right? Marriages are not for fun and enjoyment in our society, they are for slavery and kids.
So why the trial?
Allah calls the initial years of motherhood “Wahnan ala wahn” (31:14), which talks about the period of pregnancy and initial years of motherhood. Allah calls the period weakness upon weakness. Women get lightheaded, nauseous, bodyaches, joint-pain, backaches and post delivery these all are accompanied by the exhaustion of labour/C-Sec, caring for the baby, sleepless nights.
Nobody tells the married couple this. Nobody acknowledges how hard it is going to be once the baby comes. People will say, “Aesi ti tche shiur rachmit, sarie ratchaan”, “yi kos baid kath tche, asi aeis 5 5 shuir assan”, “eman tche aazi diaper, aeis aeis iman kapar daij lagaan, dohas aeis timai pewaan chalnie”, blah blah blah.
The same people who used to be hellbent on when is the baby coming start taunting the mother now. For having surgery, for using diapers, for bottle feeding, for any and everything they can find a fault in. For anything that the new mother is doing differently than them. That’s what partly makes it difficult too.
What makes these kids, children a trial for parents is the utter exhaustion. The sleepless nights, the need to cater to the child even before your body has recovered from the trauma of labour and childbirth. The pain a mother feels when she starts breastfeeding. The effort, dread and exhaustion of trying to latch the child for proper feeding. The howling cries when the child gets colic. Diaper blowouts, enough to cause an urgent bath for the baby. The cold nights so that mother keeps worrying whether the child is warm enough. That one random relative who had cold but would not leave the child alone. The sheer load of mentally prepping and planning for the child. Nobody talks about this.
Everyone comes to say “bache ke baad ye tez hogayee hai”, nobody understands that all her energy, tolerance and patience is getting exhausted caring for the baby and keeping herself sane when she has no schedule for a proper rest. Not even hope. Nobody tells her to go sleep, we will take care of things. She is expected to take care of things while they keep an eye on a happy, well-fed and fresh diaper wearing baby. So, when does she get to take a break? An eye shut? A little me time where she can feel like herself again, even if for half an hour?
Nobody talks about the loss of identity a new mother faces. Nobody tells her she would not get time to even wash up properly. That she will have to come to terms with a different body and that it will be difficult looking into the mirror for a while. That her hair will fall off like leaves in autumn. That a diet too soon will impact the feeding of the baby.
Inside the marriage, intimacy takes a hit, spending time with each other takes a hit, being each other’s top priority takes a hit. After a child, keeping up a marriage is more effort than anyone is willing to admit. More so because the preferred parent has to do everything as per the baby’s schedule, including washroom visits and the other parent gets to keep their life as it was. It does not seem so fair and that gives rise to even further distance in the marriage than was the baby’s fault. Even with today’s fathers pitching in and changing that occasional diaper, they need to do much more for the mother to not feel being down in the ditches.
That is why children are a trial. You put your efforts into keeping this sweat pea alive, even at the cost of your own health, sleep and social life. Then one fine day once they are three or four or five years old, they start seeing themselves as an individual instead of an extension of you. Start voicing their opinions and want to do things their own way. And a good parent would acknowledge that and give them that space.
A good parent will ask their opinion once they are in their teens and let them live their life once they are older. This letting go of the child is your trial. It starts when a mother starts weaning a child, and ends at marriage.
As good parents, how many of us are ready to do all that work? How many of us are ready for this trial Allah set for us?
- – The author is a Srinagar-based techie who writes about society and it’s changing dynamics.Views expressed are personal and do not necessarily reflect the editorial stance of Kashmir Observer.
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