By Zia Darakshan
The planning of marriage celebrations is changing fast. These wedding plans are hugely loaded with fat budgets making it a bigger and an extravagant affair. Today, the concept of destination weddings, sustainable weddings ,themed weddings and luxury weddings have become an integral part of any wedding plan and the demand is ever growing. All this has revolutionised the wedding industry with a never-seen-before inflow of money. This changing dynamics of the wedding industry has hugely impacted the Kashmiri weddings as well.
A glance at the Kashmiri weddings unveils a metamorphosis, making headway into lavish and elaborate affairs that extend over several days. While this trend is not entirely new, as Kashmiri weddings have historically been marked by ecstasy and celebration for generations, the dynamics of the festivities have intensified. Both pre and post preparations leading up to the final day have consistently held significant importance.
Recent Kashmiri weddings, however, have embraced a more extravagant and fanfare-driven approach in comparison to other parts of the country where weddings have become extravagant not merely to showcase opulence but with the genuine intention of enjoying the occasion.
While the contemporary Kashmiri weddings mirror a broader trend of copying celebration styles from various regions be it east, west, north, south ,all amalgamated into one. It is a chaos and confusion of traditions. Unfortunately, in this attempt of adulteration of diverse elements, the unique cultural pride that once defined Kashmiri traditions is slowly breathing its last.
Let’s take a trip down memory lanes to the Kashmiri weddings before the millennium where the essence of weddings was pure joy. During this era, Kashmiri weddings had a distinctive charm characterised by jubilation, celebrations, and an embrace of simplicity.
A Rich Past
The focus was on enriching a whole hearted connection between families. Though the rituals and ceremonies were few, the pre-wedding preparations traversed years for both the bride and the groom’s families. The weddings were notably simple affairs, where the bride and groom were not meant for ostentatious displays.
The weddings were more of a private affair than a public spectacle. I recall my grandmother recounting that in the very olden days, with limited means of transport and luxurious cars missing the mode of transportation was tongas. When the bride was brought from her home to her husband’s home, the tonga was covered on all sides to prevent any glimpse of the bride. In royal families, the bride would be conveyed in a Zampaan, resembling a doli, which would land directly in her designated room for rest.
As for other wedding preparations, the Wazwaan, an indispensable central element, without which a Kashmiri wedding is unimaginable. It used to be a year-long process for families to
scrupulously decide on the rates and acquire the finest quality of rice, mustard oil, spices, and condiments like shallots( Pran) and garlic required in the preparation of the final feast of the celebration ,the wazwan. The planning involved ascertaining as when to purchase these essentials, followed by storing them and cleaning them a month before the weddings. As the wedding dates approached, women from the neighbourhood, relatives, and friends would gather to participate in the cleaning process, singing songs on the occasion. This ritual, known as “Tamul Zhtaun” (winnowing and handpicking of rice ) was a vibrant tradition that persisted for a significant period, though it has gradually deadened with the flow of time. In Pandit families there used to be at least 12 pre-wedding ceremonies like Gandun, Kasamdry, Wuri, Livun, Wanvun etc.
Another noteworthy ceremony involved a punctilious process where relatives gathered to inscribe the names of invited guests for the upcoming weddings. This ritual held crucial importance as any oversight or mistake in addressing a guest could potentially lead to offense, resulting in a boycott of the wedding. Relatives were quick to scrutinise and demand immediate rectification for any missteps.
I would like to share a personal incident from my family. On the occasion of my cousin’s wedding, a designated day was dedicated to writing the names on the wedding cards. Unfortunately, a critical mistake occurred when one of my uncles wrote “ Jinab xyz’ on an invitation card, but forgot to include the appropriate title, causing an uproar when the family received it. The announcement of a boycott reverberated.In a moment of crisis, my late father played a pivotal role. He promptly contacted the offended family, explaining that the mistake wasn’t made by an educated family member, but rather by a local scribe hired for the task. Apologies were tendered, and my father personally delivered a corrected card. The new card began with the heading, Dr./Prof. xyz, Head of the Department, Kashmir University,’
accompanied with a sincere apology. This strategic move worked like magic; the boycott was called off, and the family enthusiastically participated in the wedding festivities, leaving no further grudges. Such was the time and its simplicity.
There were few bakery outlets back then, and even if they were, Kashmiri baker “Kandur “held a prominent position for the special events of the families.The provision of kulchas and various breads was not only for the wedding ceremony, but also for the pre and post-wedding events .
As the tradition went, all the guests would stay at the marriage home before and after the wedding, continuing until the wedding celebrations reached their conclusion. It was during these times that the bride would make her final transition to settling with her in-laws. Parallel rituals followed at the bride’s home, where guests remained until the bride was fully settled in her new home. These occasions where both near and extended family members came together to provide comfort, dividing the workload and supporting the bride’s or groom’s parents, known as “gobur” or “kauri maul,” through active participation. The foundational elements in these occasions were love and affection.Consequently, these collective efforts provided relief to the families ,acting as a unified rescue team during wedding arrangements. Moreover, in times of financial need, these family networks willingly extended support to the Gobur Maul (father of groom) or Kauri Maul (father of bride).
As we delve into the bride’s Vardan (trousseau), it reveals a tradition treated as a treasure draped in secrecy. It took years for the bride’s family to collect the bride’s trousseau that included her personal clothing and accessories and jewellery.
At the heart of this clandestine operation was the family tailor, a figure entrusted with the task of fashioning the bridal attire. The family tailor held a unique position, being the sole individual permitted to catch a glimpse of the bride before the grand day. Invited into the inner sanctum of the bride’s home, the family tailor worked diligently, stitching the bridal garments in a covert manner. This veil of secrecy was thoroughly maintained to ensure that no prying eyes could catch a glimpse of the bridal ensemble before the much-anticipated wedding day.
Then, there were singing sessions at special occasions during the ceremony, like Wanwun, bacha nagma, and sufi chants. But, let me tell you, Wanwun was like the superstar of the show! It was a big deal, especially when the groom showed up, and this magical tent was where the groom, his squad, and all the friends and family gathered.
And guess what? All of this fun happened right within the four walls of the house or in the neighbour’s backyard if the space wasn’t big enough for all the guests.
Broadly, wedding ceremonies in that era held a purpose beyond the union of two individuals. They were a sacred bond meant to unite not just two souls but two families.These unions proved a powerful source of togetherness, love and care that would set an example for others to follow.
A Woeful Present
Times have undergone a profound transformation, particularly in the past few years, altering the very dynamics of marriages. While the preparations may retain a semblance of familiarity, the core elements of love, affection, and care seem to have dwindled. A noticeable shift has occurred, with people appearing more like ruthless automatons, devoid of genuine warmth for others. What were once cherished rituals, deeply rooted in our culture, have regrettably transformed into instruments of rivalry and ostentation. Indeed, when the customs had been instituted by our ancestors ,they surely must not have anticipated such a degeneration of their society where vanity comes above everything else.
The essence of weddings has transitioned into a showbiz-like festivity, saturated with artificiality. Today, the sanctity and privacy that were integral to these occasions have been overshadowed, replaced by a proliferation of pseudo-customs. This shift is particularly challenging for middle-class individuals who find it hard to keep pace with the influx of seemingly superfluous customs. People take out loans that they don’t have the ability to repay. So it pushes them further down the class pyramid just to meet the demands of contemporary weddings.
The weddings seem like a manicured series of events that nurtures several sectors like catering,photography,drones ,decoration,mehendi ,choreography ,event managers,DJS,flowers ,designer clothes and jewellery.
Today, one wouldn’t even mind being invited at the last minute of the wedding ceremony, and that too through a quick message on phone or through a whatsapp card.
The surprising part? Not a single person will raise an eyebrow. So no objections, no boycott threats either.
The cutting of a cake, a tradition rooted in English and Celtic cultures, has evolved into a mandatory ritual for the bride and groom, observed religiously during various stages of the wedding. The once simple Nikah ceremony has undergone a significant transformation, now adorned with grandiosity. Every moment is rigorously captured, with cameras and lights turning the ceremony into a spectacle. The private ritual of Namaaz and reading the Quran, a deeply personal affair, is now documented extensively, extending to the bride and bridegrooms room, where every detail is videographed during the Nikhah ceremony.
The couple, amidst the ceremony, finds themselves immersed in a constant photo session, with lights and cameras shadowing their every move. There is little respite as the camera person follows them like paparazzi, turning a private event into a media-covered affair. Unnecessary video interviews, seemingly borrowed from Bollywood, add an element of drama. However, the climax is reached when the wedding videos are made public property i.e uploaded on social media, leaving no detail undisclosed all presented in black and white.
In this ongoing drama, the crucial characters, the groom and the bride often fade into the background, losing significance. Amidst the lively band, baja, and baraat, the bride finally arrives at her husband’s house. Unfortunately, there is no one at home to welcome the bedecked couple; the relatives, friends, and neighbours have already left after the scrumptious wedding meal and won’t be seen again until the next wedding or another celebration hosted by the family.
No doubt, contemporary Kashmiri weddings have evolved into a flourishing industry, but when juxtaposed against the backdrop of traditional ceremonies, they often fall short of preserving and enhancing our rich cultural heritage and values.
To conclude, it is heartening to see the wedding industry flourishing at the back of luxurious wedding celebrations, adding to the overall growth of the economic wheel. But at the same time, this kind of extreme spendthrift has been draining down the household budgets. In most cases, this modern era wedding planning is pushing them into a debt trap. Since it’s all voluntary expenditure and no force is making it mandatory spending, it’s only up to us to save ourselves from falling into this kind of debt trap. Only you can save the simplicity of wedding ceremonies.
- Views expressed in the article are the author’s own and do not necessarily represent the editorial stance of Kashmir Observer
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