For Women’s Sake, Charity Must Begin at Home

Whenever there is an unfortunate incident of violence against women in a street or in a market place, whether in broad daylight or in the darkness of night, most of us get angry reading such reports in the media. The intensity and duration of our angry reactions to such horrific incidents depends on the gruesomeness of the incident and the media’s interest in it. We vent our anger, sometimes by protests, sometimes by punching our keyboards on the social networking sites. Once the news of the incident ebbs and the media moves onto a new story, we are also done with our anger and activism. The victims, though, cannot afford any such luxuries. Apart from fighting a legal battle, which is both costly and lengthy, the victims also need to get back to life, which is a difficult task for a woman who has undergone any degree of violence against her. This violence not only happens against her body, but against her identity and her entire being. It not only leaves physical scars, but mental and psychological scars as well, which take a long time to heal, and in many cases don’t heal at all.

During times when such issues attract heightened media attention (like the Delhi gangrape in Dec 2012 or the latest one against a photojournalist), people often come up with many suggestions, so that such acts of violence against women can be reduced, if not completely eradicated. Most such arguments focus on stricter laws, stricter policing and sensitizing police forces about dealing with women. All these arguments, especially effective policing, are valid in their own way and if acted upon can address the short term issues related to such crimes. It is a fallacy to believe, as many would like you to, that only if the laws were strict, they alone could act as a deterrent against crimes related to women. That is an oversimplification of an otherwise complex issue.

In all this outrage, we forget our own role in being facilitators, if not the actual perpetrators. We also forget that apart from sensitizing the police and other agencies of the State towards women, it is we, the common men and the civil society which is in dire need of showing empathy towards women, and be sensitive towards them. The problems for a women start right inside the four walls of her home and surprisingly this hardly ever gets discussed, Maybe because it will tear many masks and make us feel uncomfortable with our own ugly reality.

Our social customs still make us believe that the birth of a girl is a lesser blessing compared to the birth of a boy. Right from her birth, a girl is made to feel inferior and less wanted by her family; her parents, brother(s) etc. By the time she grows up, this becomes a part of her psyche. No wonder, many such wrong social practices are encouraged and enforced also by women themselves.

The discourse about the status and issues of women in our society generates more heat than light. The discourse is hardly ever holistic and more often than not finds fault with the women for bringing problems and miseries on themselves. Our own misogyny is a bye product of orthodox social traditions and customs, which are many times reinforced by religious sanctions. We fail to give women the freedom of choice, whether in education, career or marriage. Perhaps the male of the species deems them less capable of taking their own decisions and wants them to be dependent and hence continue with the status quo.

It is not easy being a woman anywhere in the world and more so in our part of the world. The identity of a woman in our society is often attached to her relation of being a mother, a sister or a wife. We often fail to recognize her identity as an individual. From her birth, a daughter is treated as a property by her parents. As per the commonly prevalent mindset, the ownership transfers to her husband after marriage. In most cases, she becomes a possession rather than a companion of her husband. She hardly ever gets to make her own personal choices, be it before or after the marriage. By making her ever-dependent, the institution of patriarchy in our society is strengthened. We hardly ever value the unpaid work that women do within their homes, without which perhaps the world would come to a standstill. There is an unnecessary debate happening all the time about what women should and should not wear. On the one side are people that want women to be relegated to the four walls of their house, who can’t be trusted with any important work outside and who will spread indecency, if they are allowed any degree of freedom. They believe upholding the morality of the society is the sole responsibility of women. On the other, are people that indulge in gross objectification of women by commercially exploiting their bodies to sell various products. Both the sides do not believe in the identity of a woman beyond her physical attributes.

Girls in our society often grow up with dreams of finding a prince charming that will come in their life and make their life full of bliss. Parents often tell them that life after marriage will be full of joy. They create an imaginary scenario of everlasting happiness which is etched in their daughter’s mind. They often forget to teach their daughters that life is not always a bed of roses. The prince charming can also turn out to be a monster. Parents do not prepare daughters for a situation where their marriage does not turn out well. They are unfortunately taught that they should not complain against their husbands, even if they resort to abuses and violence against them. In fact the women who bear all this suffering silently are often seen as role models. Since parents do not instil confidence in daughters and in most cases, do not give them proper skill sets to be independent, women find it extremely difficult to speak against the violence they face at the hands of their husbands and in-laws. They find it extremely difficult and even impossible to come out of such relationships and in most cases bear this pain and humiliation throughout their life. Parents often refuse to accept and accommodate their own daughters who want to end an abusive relationship with their husband. The misplaced notions of honour forces parents to send their daughters back to that living hell. In many cases, it is the parents themselves who resort to violence and abuse against their own daughter who refuses to be further violated and abused by her husband. Parents who claim to unconditionally love their daughters also need to understand that love demands trust. When it comes to standing up for their own daughters, most parents fail to support them. They often crumble under the societal pressure where their misplaced honour takes precedence over the safety and happiness of their own daughters. They go to the extent of maligning their own daughters, slandering them, resorting to violence and abuse, so that their own honour is upheld. Daughters expect their own parental homes to be their safest place, not one where they feel the most vulnerable. They expect their parents to be their support system. They expect to feel their warm embrace when life doesn’t treat them well. They do not expect their parents to mistrust, mistreat and malign them. It can shatter them and leave deep but invisible scars on them. What can be more tragic for a daughter than her parents doubting her integrity?

Popular TV and other forms of media and entertainment often go a long way in reinforcing patriarchy in various forms. They often glorify women who sacrifice their happiness and individuality for their families and do not complain about their husbands’ misdemeanours. Financially independent women are often projected as the bad ones. This really presents a much distorted version of the realities, that women who work and come in the public sphere do this by compromising their integrity and morality. Conversations regarding gender issues are immediately turned into a religious debate, where women are told to fall in line. Listen to any religious preacher, holding forte on women’s issues and one is really surprised to hear how they are far removed from the gravity of the issues facing women. Most of these people would like you to believe that a woman’s role should be largely considered as a reproductive one rather than a productive one. To them, it seems a woman is merely a child bearing machine, who does not have any choice in deciding about when she wants to have children.

It is about time we challenge these stereotypes, spread at various levels through popular culture, media, social traditions and religious sermons enforced by us, both within our homes and outside. Also it becomes important that boys are taught ethics from an early age, both at home and at school. They should be taught about the right behaviour with women and as they grow up, they should know what is appropriate and what is not and about the consequences of inappropriate behaviour as well.

In the last few decades, this debate about women’s dressing, their morality and finding fault with working women has been an obsession with urban middleclass men. These men, on the one hand want their women to work so that the bills and EMIs can be taken care of, but on the other they feel most such women are morally compromised. One can’t see any worse examples of hypocrisy than this.

For any improvement in the status of women in our society, we have to address the issues that lie within the four walls of our homes. It is here that the foundation of a society is laid, which is disrespectful of and biased against women. It is here where the seeds of women’s enslavement are sown .Perhaps the road to a perpetual hell for women begins right inside their own parental homes. No one should be allowed to get away with it by calling it their private matter. A safer street, market or workplace for women can only come about if we make our homes safe for them. Without addressing the issues of one half of human population, there is no hope for a meaningful and better future. Women in their own small way need to fight this battle and men, who want to become a part of this, should work from a place of empathy rather than superiority.

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