To My Birth Mom in Heaven, “I’m in Pain”

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Faizaan Bashir

Dearest Mom,

I wish I could go back in time and leave this world with you. Ever since you shuffled off this mortal coil, I have been subjected to so many painful occurrences. All of what I have been going through stems from the day that my aunt adopted me. Not that I didn’t get love and care from her, but the soul-shattering feelings of being separated from my father and siblings never let me live happily; not even a day. My aunt told me that my father was my uncle. But how could I have accepted it as truth when the blood that runs in my veins clamoured otherwise?

Mom, I remember the amount of happiness that I felt when my father and siblings paid me a brief visit and can’t shrug off the memory of the sadness that met me when they used to say a goodbye. I had my own ways of keeping them near. I kept the clipped nails of my brother to hug them when I was back at my aunt’s.

Mom, people have never been kind to me. Unless I put on a face full of gloom, I was an infirm insect to be stepped on and I never dared to stand up for myself. Doing things in my favor felt too dreadful an experience. Thus, I let them swallow my passive little soul.

Ever since you left this unbloomed flower too soon, I have been in desperate need of my father’s and siblings’ love — the warmth of my home. This neediness had me weep my heart out in washrooms. There were moments here when I felt totally torn. I was only alive in name and yet there never seems to be anyone I could pour my heart out to.

Mom, one day I was travelling to see my siblings but the car broke down en route and I cried like a baby. I am afraid to recall my experiences because they bring back the horrors I’d been subjected to and I am not strong enough to stand them.

As years wore on, my mental health took a turn for the worse. Brimming with zillions of nasty emotions threatening my life, I started drawing on cigarettes. This has made me weak beyond words. But I am afraid nothing seems to be helping me.

I have never been to college in three years. Everything scares me and it feels as if I am losing everyone. I even went to doctors to wipe out this pitiless beast that resides deep within me but it knocks on my door even after I knock it off.

I have grown too weak on the inside  — at times I become dangerously suicidal. Then I gaze at my hands and my conscience curses me right away. But I am in pain. In terrible pain!

Mom, I have never seen you, not even in my dream but I am in terrible need of your blessings.

Your son, 

Faizaan


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