Pakistan banning Valentine’s Day is as Indian as it gets

A high court in Pakistan has found grave evidences of Valentine’s Day being “un-Islamic” and hence it was deemed right for the sake of national security to “ban” the entire thing. The president of Pakistan has also urged his people to boycott the shameful act of expressing love in public to protect their culture and heritage.

For all those thinking otherwise, this is not a satirical piece where I make things up. This year, on February 14, love birds in Pakistan would have to be careful with what they do and where they do.

Well, India will not be much different either. And honestly, Pakistan is just following its big brother’s lead. Even though Indian high command is yet to announce something as lunatic as its counterpart, we have been lightyears ahead in terms of hooliganism against the “V Day”. The “Dals” and “fatwa distributors” have been vandalising private spaces for half a century now. It is a relief that they found new hobbies in “beef” and “nationalism”, but February is still pretty much reserved for anti-valentine mutiny.

So, why this outrage against a harmless celebration of “Lou” and who exactly are these “protectors of heritage and culture”?

Well, here are a few stats to help you guess.

Pakistan tops the list of countries that watch most porn. I dug deeper and found out that per 100 women, there are 111 Pakistani men. Do these facts help? No? Well, then let me draw some parallels.

India is sixth in the list of countries that watch the most porn and in India too, for every 100 women there are 106 Indian men.

Let me spell it out for you. We are both nations of single, desperate men. I want to add another keyword to it, “frustrated”.

Single, frustrated, desperate men who burn every day in envy of those who are getting the job done in the lovemaking department.

I say that because those who have wives and girlfriends (and a life), they are too busy quietly spending the occasion no matter how much they loathe it. They have bigger things to worry about and too little time for this tomfoolery.

Well, now, there are two kinds of single desperate frustrated men. The one I talked about above and the rest are the ones like me. Every February, from 7th to 14th, I pass by every florist, every Archie’s showroom and every mall, keeping my eyes low, not knowing how to face my reality. Let me share a rather guilty incident.

Last night (kiss day, I guess?), while walking into my society campus, I noticed the security guards being extra sincere at work. They were checking everyone’s access cards and ID proofs, playing match the following in their registers and what not. I felt an evil joy in being single in that moment.

I did a Chandler Bing dance in my head and walked past quietly. My kind of single, frustrated, unsatisfied men like to boast about how awesome it is to be single. How we save a lot of money (which we don’t), how we can still play video games and be “boys” as much as we want.

We get off complaining about our “friends” who “changed” due to their girlfriends, slut-shaming the entire female race over evening tea meets.

But that is all we can do. We know our limits and we feel secure knowing that we are not going to be forever alone thanks to our culture that allows arranged marriage.

Then there is the other lot that orchestrates these “bans”, “fatwas” et al. The only difference between them and us is the fact that they slut-shame a woman on her face.

They don’t feel guilty about wrecking someone’s personal space since they themselves don’t have any.

They are the “guardians” of some hypothetical cultural galaxy that is in danger of being sabotaged by the girls and guys who hold hands in public.

Honestly speaking, even though they do all of this in the name of God, they don’t fear the God anymore. They only fear one thing. Destruction of culture. And no, culture is not destroyed when teenaged girls are molested in public. No sir. Culture is destroyed when two consenting adults express love for each other.

Anyway, I am happy that Pakistan is following in India’s footsteps. How else can we expect global peace?

My kind will be busy meanwhile, slaving at their jobs, eating the everyday meal and then ending the night trying to download Jolly LLB 2 online. This day too shall pass.

The Article First Appeared In DailyO

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