“Be like the flowing river,
Silent upon the earth”
~ Manuel Banderia
I am screaming tonight-my heart, pounding against my chest like never before. A storm is raging inside me. Turbulence, anger, frustration, loneliness, pain,sorrow-I feel this mélange of emotions all at the same time. I cannot take it anymore. I can rise no more.
I was born as a girl. My mother had to go through a lot and bear all the consequences of giving birth to a girl child.I was accepted neither by the society nor by my own family. I was so much hated because I was a criminal.I was found guilty on the basis of being a girl. But I remained silent, like the Flowing River.
My life has been confined forever, unlike my dreams. After coming out of the confined womb of my mother,I was confined within the four walls of my house. I was not allowed to go outside my confined area and I never ceased to be loyal to my parents in that respect. But I dreamt big. I still do. I dreamt my world to be filled with all the fascinations of the universe. I imagined myself to be surrounded by toys on all sides. And to be honest, I got many. But I was always ordered; not expected but ordered; to give my toys to my brother-because a criminal, like me, could not be allowed to have fun. And my crime? Being a girl.
Slowly,I was staggering towards a new phase of my criminal life. I entered teenage life. Teenage years, as we all know, are always full of dreams, desires, pranks, fun, excitements and hopes. It is that phase of life where everyone is eagerly waiting to enter and most reluctant to leave. So I, at last entered into this new phase with new hopes, dreams and desires; forgetting the old and inviting the new. But alas! I was pinned to the ground even before I made my first attempt to soar high. I was not allowed to have any kind of interaction to the members of my opposite gender. Society was against my education. They did not want an educated criminal. I was harassed on deserted streets now and then. And to make things more sour than ever, I was blamed for being teased or harassed because I am a girl. That was the time when I learned of the many theories of the Indian society:
If you are a Girl, you will be harassed.
But I remained silent, like the Flowing River.
I was at last married away to an unknown man. A girl is born only to marry and give birth to a boy child. So, after that great, holy event I went to my new house and my new life started—–My married life. My husband seemed to be a nice man and so I dreamt of living a new, happy life. I cared for my in-laws, loved them like my own but was never accepted by them as their own. It was in that phase of my life that I learned that a person shows his true colours only with the passage of time. My husband started beating me, once, he even tried to kill me. But I was turned to mute and was advised to master the art of tolerance a sa woman is never allowed to raise her voice against her husband. A criminal like me can never be allowed to raise her voice against anything. And so, I remained silent, like the Flowing River.
The zygote matured and life came in my womb. I was expecting a child. I was forced to check the future of my family
And then, they killed that little life. They ruthlessly killed my unborn child. They did not want a criminal like the dead child to take birth in their family. They did not want a girl. And my child’s crime? She was a girl. And like the Flowing River, she was also silent.
Tonight as I sit by my window alone and watch the snowflakes kiss the ground,I ask God one question,”I am a criminal by birth, will I be a criminal after death ?”
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